Saying goodbye to the football season is very much like giving birth to a ginger child: after nine months of optimism, hope and anguish, you’re left with a genuine feeling of disappointment.

The final day is often emotional. Who could forget Arsenal pipping Liverpool to the title in 1989? Well sadly, my old man. In fact, if you see a small befuddled pensioner roaming the streets, you’ll be better off avoiding football trivia altogether; senility is no picnic.

I’m absolutely devastated that I have to work on Sunday as the drama unfolds. The gaffer has offered me double time and a day in lieu though, which I’m reasonably happy with; but it hasn’t gone down too well with Louise.

Lou hasn’t been this upset since Liverpool were beaten by Chelsea in the Champions League semi-final. Liverpool supporters are like Paul McCartney on his wedding night; they’re struggling to get over a disappointing second leg.

Steven ‘more dives than Glasgow’ Gerrard will hope to inspire his team-mates to a win over Spurs, but I fancy the Tottenham boys at 9/5. They can be heroes, just for Juande.

Manchester United are on the verge of winning the title and I’m particularly pleased for Paul Scholes. There was a worry that Paul’s career was over as a result of blurred vision, practically confirming what my mother told me. I’ll have my head in my hands if Manchester United fail to beat Wigan at 1/4.

As is often the case in such a high profile match, there has been plenty of early activity in the first goal scorer market. Bookmakers have already seen a monkey on Ronaldo, a pony on Carlos Tevez and an old dog on Wayne Rooney.

A recently discovered tribe of Congolese pygmies have admitted knowing absolutely nothing of western civilisation, other than the fact that Steven Gerrard is better at football than Frank Lampard.

Frank simply isn’t that great a player, most of his goals come from his close relationship with the O’Shea family, notably Rick. Frank would need 29 attempts to score on an 18-30 stone holiday.

Frank will not be happy about Chelsea finishing second best to Manchester United. I remember how upset he was when I first suggested that he had a weight problem – he sent me a text that read, ‘gbvsdfabdsb’.

Ashley Cole will also be unhappy with a runners-up spot. The overrated full-back is desperate for success to cement his role as a celebrity. He’s already been offered a spot on next week’s Jonathan Ross show, he just needs to find three pals and a piano. Chelsea are certainties to beat Bolton, i’m all over the 1/6 like John Terry on a referee.

I’m no stranger to disappointment; I once watched all of Soccer AM. Alex McLeish can empathise, he would give his right arm for Birmingham to avoid relegation, but a trade of that magnitude has only ever come off for Heather Mills. I’m backing Blackburn to beat the Blues at 3/1, but be warned, the price is dropping quicker than Steven Gerrard in a penalty area.

Reading are a lot like Princess Diana, they used to look good, but they’ve hit a wall.

The wife is praying that the Royals stay up, as she’s supported them ever since her English teacher wrote ‘reading difficulties’ on her school report.

I also hope that Reading beat Derby, as I’m not a great fan of Robbie Savage – I can’t forget how he kicked me off the waltzers when I was young. I can’t let my heart rule my head though, I’m going to be like Robbie and mark the coupon with an ‘X’ at 7/2.

Portsmouth are currently wobbling like a jelly on a drunken Sumo wrestler – they haven’t won in their last handful of games. Actually, they haven’t won in their last four games, so it’s more of a Jeremy Beadle handful.

I’d like to see Pompey beat Fulham as I have an enormous amount of sympathy for Harry Redknapp; he’s been the subject of more enquiries than the 118-118 guys.

Hollywood should make a film of Harry’s life, they could call it ‘The buying, the twitch and the fraud probe.’

A case can be made for backing Portsmouth at 5/2 to beat Fulham, but it has more holes than Pete Doherty. I’m going to be like David Cameron in college; and get stuck into the draw at 11/4.

Hopefully, my son will become a professional footballer. The last time we had a kick around in the back garden, he nutmegged me twice; nobody’s regretted opening their legs on two separate occasions since Mrs Neville.

Phil Neville is like the sun, you should never look directly at him. The lesser of two evils is surprisingly quite bright, he can quote the old Chinese proverb: ‘Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day; give him twelve cans of lager, and he’ll think that Newcastle are worth a bet at Goodison Park.

You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to realise that Everton are nailed on at 10/11, even Mrs Hawking could work that one out; if she wasn’t down the gym working the bags.

I once said that Benjani couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. If we were ever to meet, he’d probably want to hit me; i’d better change my name to Annette.

On a related note, I once tried to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo – at least that’s what I told the police officer, although the lack of a banjo aroused some suspicion.

Middlesbrough are a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, situated in a hole. The 11/10 for a Boro win over Manchester City is the most enticing proposition since Ulrika Johnson offered Sven Goran Eriksson a little slice of Swedish fish pie.

Is it wrong for me to continually speak of my admiration for Cesc Fabregas? Apparently, it is during lovemaking.

Cesc is a little magician. He’ll have a great future in the game as long as he avoids Debbie McGee. Arsenal are a great bet at 10/11 to beat Sunderland, it’s as clear as the chin on Frank Lampard’s chin.

As an Aston Villa supporter, i’m a huge fan of Randy Lerner. I’m not ashamed to say that all it took to make me happy was just one little Yank.

I did read that a healthy male averages 20 minutes when expressing his love physically; I’m assuming that includes the taxi journey and the queue for the cashpoint. I’ll be throwing my cash on a West Ham win over the Villa; the 12/5 is positively pulchritudinous.

The Premier League remains my true love, but I’ve occasionally strayed into the arms of the football league, the SPL, the conference and the Paralympics. I’m a little bit uncomfortable about watching football at such a poor level though, but Rangers have made it into the UEFA Cup final.

I’m often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you it’s not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish people. I know that a Celtic win over Hibernian at 1/4 will practically wrap up the title for the Bhoys.

My computer is a lot like the wife, if the information is punched in correctly, positive results are guaranteed. My spreadsheet plays a sound if the odds offered on an accer are greater than the actual probability of success: when I placed 16/1 next to Middlesbrough, Tottenham and West Ham, it whipped out a guitar.

To begin with, if you plan to be the masseuse for the evening, then you need to set the mood of the room before your lover even enters. Lights should be dimmed, candles lit, scented oils or lotions present and heated, soft and slow background music playing. Ensure there is a comfortable, stable table for your lover to lie on when your hands provide the most magical moment for them. You also want to have several towels or sheets on hand to drape over the table, and ensure the temperature of the room is one where your sweetheart will be comfortably warm.

Introducing your lover to the many massage techniques out there isn’t feasible. There are literally hundreds of massage types that take time to learn, but you don’t have to master a lot of massage techniques, all you need to choose the best one you feel will provide the most comfort, enjoyment, and relaxation. The basic Swedish massage technique is one where you will combine scented oils with deep rubbing, kneading, sweeping, and pulling of muscles towards the heart. It is the easiest method to turn into a sensual massage and can be done anywhere on the body. Mainly Swedish massage consists of extremely gentle, massaging strokes that promote deep relaxation and will have your lover feeling rejuvenated and more focused upon completion. Done correctly, it will be one the things that they’ll bring up again and again as an awesome experience.

Shiatsu is a massage technique that requires finger pressure along what is called in eastern medicine, meridians of the body. It’s an ideal method to use if your partner has a headache, sinus issues, and even allergies. By gently pressing on certain areas of the head and face you can not only relieve some of these symptoms it can also be extremely relaxing. You can use these various massage techniques as a supplement to an incredible Swedish massage.

Deep muscle tissue kneading will relieve the tissue of any stress and or knots that have been growing due to the daily pressures we all experience. This is another method that can be primarily used all over the body, and again turn into a more sensual or sexual experience. The deep rubbing will promote endorphin and hormone stimulation, making your lover more aware of the connection that your hands are creating.

However, I would avoid any deep work unless you’ve been trained specifically in deep tissue massage techniques. Sticking to simple relaxation techniques is perfect way to treat our lover for Valentine’s Day.

Top tips on buying Christmas gift : 7 inch LCD Digital Photo Frame 8 MP image files wholesale 7 inch digital photo frames A digital photo frame is a thin colour screen in the form of a picture frame, which shows your digital photographs and can change between multiple images in a slideshow. Framing your photos takes on a whole new meaning.It’s sleek, stylish, and very easy to use. Main features: Displays digital pictures (JPEG) without a computer Simply insert a compatible flash memory card into the Digital Picture Frame to show photos, play MP3 music or supported video files (memory card not included)(with light) Compatible flash memory cards include Secure Digital Card (SD), Multimedia Card (MMC) and Memory Stick Instantly plays MP3 music with the integrated speakers Instantly plays MPEG1,MPEG4 files stored on supported flash memory cards Supports up to 8Mega Pixels image files (JPEG format) Compatible with most digital cameras’s stored JPEG images and motion GPEG files wholesale digital photo frames Includes a remote control Bright 7 inch TFT active matrix LCD screen Automatic slide show with multiple transition effects Plays slide show with MP3 music on the background (The MP3 file must be in the same folders as the pictures) User-friendly on-screen display lets you access all controls easily Support Play Format: JPEG, MP3, WMA, MPG1, AVI, MPG4, DIVX2, DIVX3 Language: English, French, German, Italian, Swedish, Danish, Portuguese, Spanish single function—multi-function (optional) Video files may not play properly if stored on a low speed card

7 inch LCD Wholesale Digital Photo Frame,high resolution,widescreen LCD screen alone would want you to get this gift for a friend. But add to that the ability of this digital frame to play MP3, tell the time, wake someone up, and tell the date, and you’ve got a great Christmas gift! Find wholesale products with reasonable price and best quality at ILoveChinaShopping.com.

The final day is often emotional. Who could forget Arsenal pipping Liverpool to the title in 1989? Well sadly, my old man. In fact, if you see a small befuddled pensioner roaming the streets, you’ll be better off avoiding football trivia altogether; senility is no picnic.

I’m absolutely devastated that I have to work on Sunday as the drama unfolds. The gaffer has offered me double time and a day in lieu though, which I’m reasonably happy with; but it hasn’t gone down too well with Louise.

Lou hasn’t been this upset since Liverpool were beaten by Chelsea in the Champions League semi-final. Liverpool supporters are like Paul McCartney on his wedding night; they’re struggling to get over a disappointing second leg.

Steven ‘more dives than Glasgow’ Gerrard will hope to inspire his team-mates to a win over Spurs, but I fancy the Tottenham boys at 9/5. They can be heroes, just for Juande.

Manchester United are on the verge of winning the title and I’m particularly pleased for Paul Scholes. There was a worry that Paul’s career was over as a result of blurred vision, practically confirming what my mother told me. I’ll have my head in my hands if Manchester United fail to beat Wigan at 1/4.

As is often the case in such a high profile match, there has been plenty of early activity in the first goal scorer market. Bookmakers have already seen a monkey on Ronaldo, a pony on Carlos Tevez and an old dog on Wayne Rooney.

A recently discovered tribe of Congolese pygmies have admitted knowing absolutely nothing of western civilisation, other than the fact that Steven Gerrard is better at football than Frank Lampard.

Frank simply isn’t that great a player, most of his goals come from his close relationship with the O’Shea family, notably Rick. Frank would need 29 attempts to score on an 18-30 stone holiday.

Frank will not be happy about Chelsea finishing second best to Manchester United. I remember how upset he was when I first suggested that he had a weight problem – he sent me a text that read, ‘gbvsdfabdsb’.

Ashley Cole will also be unhappy with a runners-up spot. The overrated full-back is desperate for success to cement his role as a celebrity. He’s already been offered a spot on next week’s Jonathan Ross show, he just needs to find three pals and a piano. Chelsea are certainties to beat Bolton, i’m all over the 1/6 like John Terry on a referee.

I’m no stranger to disappointment; I once watched all of Soccer AM. Alex McLeish can empathise, he would give his right arm for Birmingham to avoid relegation, but a trade of that magnitude has only ever come off for Heather Mills. I’m backing Blackburn to beat the Blues at 3/1, but be warned, the price is dropping quicker than Steven Gerrard in a penalty area.

Reading are a lot like Princess Diana, they used to look good, but they’ve hit a wall.

The wife is praying that the Royals stay up, as she’s supported them ever since her English teacher wrote ‘reading difficulties’ on her school report.

I also hope that Reading beat Derby, as I’m not a great fan of Robbie Savage – I can’t forget how he kicked me off the waltzers when I was young. I can’t let my heart rule my head though, I’m going to be like Robbie and mark the coupon with an ‘X’ at 7/2.

Portsmouth are currently wobbling like a jelly on a drunken Sumo wrestler – they haven’t won in their last handful of games. Actually, they haven’t won in their last four games, so it’s more of a Jeremy Beadle handful.

I’d like to see Pompey beat Fulham as I have an enormous amount of sympathy for Harry Redknapp; he’s been the subject of more enquiries than the 118-118 guys.

Hollywood should make a film of Harry’s life, they could call it ‘The buying, the twitch and the fraud probe.’

A case can be made for backing Portsmouth at 5/2 to beat Fulham, but it has more holes than Pete Doherty. I’m going to be like David Cameron in college; and get stuck into the draw at 11/4.

Hopefully, my son will become a professional footballer. The last time we had a kick around in the back garden, he nutmegged me twice; nobody’s regretted opening their legs on two separate occasions since Mrs Neville.

Phil Neville is like the sun, you should never look directly at him. The lesser of two evils is surprisingly quite bright, he can quote the old Chinese proverb: ‘Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day; give him twelve cans of lager, and he’ll think that Newcastle are worth a bet at Goodison Park.

You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to realise that Everton are nailed on at 10/11, even Mrs Hawking could work that one out; if she wasn’t down the gym working the bags.

I once said that Benjani couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. If we were ever to meet, he’d probably want to hit me; i’d better change my name to Annette.

On a related note, I once tried to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo – at least that’s what I told the police officer, although the lack of a banjo aroused some suspicion.

Middlesbrough are a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, situated in a hole. The 11/10 for a Boro win over Manchester City is the most enticing proposition since Ulrika Johnson offered Sven Goran Eriksson a little slice of Swedish fish pie.

Is it wrong for me to continually speak of my admiration for Cesc Fabregas? Apparently, it is during lovemaking.

Cesc is a little magician. He’ll have a great future in the game as long as he avoids Debbie McGee. Arsenal are a great bet at 10/11 to beat Sunderland, it’s as clear as the chin on Frank Lampard’s chin.

As an Aston Villa supporter, i’m a huge fan of Randy Lerner. I’m not ashamed to say that all it took to make me happy was just one little Yank.

I did read that a healthy male averages 20 minutes when expressing his love physically; I’m assuming that includes the taxi journey and the queue for the cashpoint. I’ll be throwing my cash on a West Ham win over the Villa; the 12/5 is positively pulchritudinous.

The Premier League remains my true love, but I’ve occasionally strayed into the arms of the football league, the SPL, the conference and the Paralympics. I’m a little bit uncomfortable about watching football at such a poor level though, but Rangers have made it into the UEFA Cup final.

I’m often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you it’s not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish people. I know that a Celtic win over Hibernian at 1/4 will practically wrap up the title for the Bhoys.

My computer is a lot like the wife, if the information is punched in correctly, positive results are guaranteed. My spreadsheet plays a sound if the odds offered on an accer are greater than the actual probability of success: when I placed 16/1 next to Middlesbrough, Tottenham and West Ham, it whipped out a guitar.

Here are 4 tips that can ensure your safety, and also help you catch more.

Ice Fishing Depth Sounder

If you ever need a quick depth sounder when ice-fishing, you can make one with a small bobber and bell sinker. Just attach the sinker to the bottom line retainer of the bobber and the hook or lure to the top retainer. This makes it easy to find the water’s depth.

Falling through the ice

If you are out with a buddy ice fishing – and there is a possibility of breaking ice, make sure to stay at least 10 feet apart to spread out your weight. You should also each carry long poles; they can be used to straddle the hole to help you climb out. Make sure to have a poncho, waterproof matches, safety pins, bandages, knife, candles, bouillon cubes, and cocoa or soup. Put all of them in a watertight metal can which can be used to heat water over a candle in an emergency.

Freezing

If you are an ice fisherman and consistently have problems with your hole freezing up – instead of pouring anti-freeze into the hole (which shuts down fishing action), use denatured alcohol. It is less expensive, has no odor or taste, and is available at any pharmacy.

Ice Fishing Bait

If you are an ice fisherman (which 2 million people are in the U.S.), the following bait will bring you even more success.

For Bluegills use tiny ice spoons (1/32 to 1/80 of an ounce), ice flies or No. 10 or 12 gold hooks. Tip them with gall worms, crane fly larvae, mousies, mealworms, wax worms, or maggots. Fish the offering with a light tremble or quivering movement. Try levels from one to three feet off bottom, over depths o f10 to 20 feet. A murky or weedy bottom is best for them.

For crappies, use a Swedish Pimple jiggling spoon, Rapala ice fishing plug or live minnows fished on No. 2 to 6 hooks. Crappies can suspend at just about any depth, from a few feet below the ice to just off bottom, in water from five to 20 feet deep. Move often.

Yellow perch – use the same baits as for crappies and bluegills. Also try jigging spoons sweetened with the eye from a freshly caught perch or a tiny strip of meat sliced from a perch or bluegill.

Trout – shoal areas, the mouths of inlets, and points have produced the most rainbows, browns and brookies through the ice. You can catch them on about every kind of bait or lure you can think of. Wet flies and nymphs with a sp lit-shot crimped a foot above for weight are good, as are minnows, spinners, jigging spoons and ice rapalas.

Pickerel, Pike, Muskies – live minnows or dead ones rigged to hang horizontally in the water are the best producers. Tip-ups allow you to spread your baits over a wide area in weedy coves and on points where these predators rove under the frozen lake’s surface searching for prey.

Walleyes – reefs, points, inlets and outlets are good spots for ice walleyes. Live minnows, jigging Rapalas, Swedish Pimples, Hopkins and Gay Blades are consistent producers.

These Evening Secret ice fishing tips are important to ensure your safety, and catch a lot of winter fish.